Direct answer: Before a conversation you are dreading, write down the exact outcome you fear and ask whether it would be the end of the world. Then write what you actually want and what you are willing to do. Have the conversation, listen to the answer and decide the next step.
Key takeaways
- More information will not remove every risk.
- Name exactly what you are afraid will happen.
- Write what you actually want and what you are willing to do.
- Have the conversation, listen and decide the next step.
You can listen to another podcast, read another book or go to another retreat. But if you already know you need to give somebody direct feedback and you still have not had the conversation, more information is not the thing you are missing.
Cool. Write down what you are very specifically afraid of.
Are you afraid the person will quit? Are you afraid your idea will fail? Are you afraid the relationship will change or that you will be exposed as not having every answer? Write it down.
Then ask: would that outcome be the end of the world?
That is not a promise that the conversation has no cost. Things could change. It could be uncomfortable. It could cost time, money or an opportunity. Some conversations have real consequences, and you should prepare for them.
Now write down what you actually want. “I want this person to stop frustrating me” is not the answer. Maybe you want a high-performing team. Maybe you want a workplace that values you. Maybe you want a decision instead of another month of avoidance.
Then ask what you are willing to do to move toward it.
You can rehearse what you want to say until you know every word. Preparation helps. But there is a point where another rehearsal only postpones the part you cannot practice: hearing what the other person has to say.
You may stumble. They may surprise you. You may need to rethink what comes next. That is why the conversation matters. You cannot rehearse your way to an answer that requires two people.
Have the conversation. Listen to the answer. Decide the next step. That is how you get moving again.
Fear can look like a need for more information
People read another book, listen to another podcast or attend another retreat because learning feels productive. But if the needed tool is already available, more information can become another form of avoidance.
Nine times out of ten, when someone says they are stuck, it is not because they have no idea, skill or tool. Name the fear, decide what you want and use the tool you already have.
| Stage | What to do |
|---|---|
| Prepare | Write the exact fear and the outcome you want |
| Reality check | Ask whether the feared result would be the end of the world |
| During | Have the conversation and listen to the answer |
| After | Decide the next step |
If you are a manager asking direct reports for upward feedback, send these four questions before the one-on-one.
Frequently asked questions
What should I do before a difficult conversation?
Write down exactly what you fear, whether that outcome would be the end of the world, what you actually want and what you are willing to do.
Why do I keep avoiding direct feedback?
Fear of change, failure, exposure or somebody leaving can keep you from using tools you already have.
Why does rehearsing not finish the work?
Preparation helps, but another rehearsal can postpone the part you cannot practice: hearing what the other person has to say.
What should I do after I start the conversation?
Listen to the answer and decide the next step.
About Catie
Catie Campbell is an executive coach, emotional intelligence expert, speaker and truth-teller.
Next step: Get the No-Manual Meeting Kit for a structure you can use before, during and after the conversation.