Why does “my door is always open” not make people honest with you?

Because saying it costs nothing and proves nothing. Catie Campbell, an executive coach, says trust is built in the moment someone gives you feedback. If you get curious, people keep telling you the truth. If you explain, justify and defend, they stop. Asking on a regular, formal schedule helps too.

An open door is a claim

Catie asked a senior leader she calls Tom, not his real name, when he last asked his direct reports for feedback. He said he always tells people he has an open door policy and is receptive to feedback. She asked again. He could not remember.

Catie says trust is not built when you say you can be honest with me. It is built when someone gives you feedback and you listen with curiosity, with the intent to understand and with appreciation.

What the data says

Catie cited a 2024 Gallup study reported by Forbes. It found that only 42% of U.S. employees say they have ever had the chance to formally give feedback to their manager. Only 24% have formally rated their manager's performance. About a third of managers say they get feedback from their peers.

Tom and Steve

Tom runs about a half-billion-dollar company. When he asks for feedback, people say, you're doing great. He does not know what great means. Then Steve gave him real feedback, and Tom brushed it off because the two do not get along.

Catie had him role play the conversation. Tom started defending himself. He explained why he does the thing and gave Steve all the reasons it matters. Catie says Steve picked up on that right away, and the lesson he took was that Tom will not do anything with feedback. So Steve goes quiet.

Catie says Tom would have thanked Megan for the same feedback, because he gets along with her. We often dismiss feedback if we do not like where it comes from, even when it is true. When we defend, block and overexplain, it creates distance, and then mistrust. Every time she has gone into a company with a trust problem, she says, it traced back to small moments like this one.

Ask in a way that is safe

A day or two before a one-on-one, send a short email with a few questions. What could I do more of? What could I do less of? What should I stop, start or continue? How could I be a better colleague to you?

Give it a couple of cycles. It can take a full year for someone to get comfortable.

Who goes first

Tom goes first. Catie had him reflect on the exchange with Steve and plan a conversation to talk through what happened last time, instead of just asking whether Steve has new feedback. The repair may or may not work. She says people often give a second chance when you are humble and genuine and your actions match your words.

Her gut check: the next time someone offers feedback, do you get curious, or do you get defensive?

FAQ

How do I ask my team for feedback?

Send a short email a day or two before a one-on-one that asks what you could do more of, do less of, and stop, start or continue. Give it a couple of cycles, because it can take a full year for someone to get comfortable.

What if the feedback comes from someone I do not like?

Catie says we often dismiss feedback when we do not like where it is coming from, even when it is true. Ask yourself whether you would take it from someone you get along with.

Can I repair trust after getting defensive?

Sometimes. Catie says the leader goes first, reflects on the exchange and follows up, and it may or may not work.

Catie Campbell is an executive coach, emotional intelligence expert and keynote speaker who has helped 30,000+ leaders.