Direct answer: To ask for honest feedback in a one-on-one, send four specific questions a day or two before the meeting. During the conversation, listen with curiosity, an intent to understand and appreciation. Afterward, use what is useful and tell the person what you did.
Key takeaways
- Ask what you could do more of, less of, stop, start or continue.
- Send the questions a day or two before the conversation.
- Listen with curiosity, an intent to understand and appreciation.
- Follow up after you act on what was useful.
I worked with a senior leader we're going to call Tom, not his real name. He worked inside a large, fast-growing company and said he had an open-door policy. But when I asked when he'd last formally asked his direct reports for feedback, he could not remember.
Saying the door is open is not the same thing as inviting somebody through it.
Before a one-on-one, send a short email with these questions:
- What's something I could do more of?
- What's something I could do less of?
- What would you want me to stop, start or continue doing?
- How could I be a better colleague to you?
Send them a day or two before the conversation. Give the other person time to think. Then, when you meet, listen with curiosity, with an intent to understand and with appreciation.
You may not get a complete answer the first time. Cool. Give it a couple of cycles. It can take much longer than two meetings for somebody to believe you really want the truth.
Tom recalled earlier feedback from someone on his team we'll call Steve. Tom explained his behavior. He justified it. He defended it. In Tom's mind, he was giving context. Catie's interpretation was that the response could send Steve the message that nothing was going to change.
That is the part leaders miss. Asking the question is step one. What you do with the answer determines whether you hear the truth again.
If you get defensive, go back. Acknowledge what happened. Ask questions. Integrate what is useful. Follow up after you act. The repair may or may not work, but the leader goes first.
Before, during and after the one-on-one
Upward feedback is unfamiliar for many people. Tom's own words were, “I'm not used to giving my boss feedback.” Give it a couple of cycles.
Repair can start with humility. Go back over what happened, stay open and curious, use what is useful, then follow up with thanks and what you changed. Trust may have eroded too far, but words and actions that line up give the relationship a real chance to recover.
| Instead of | Try |
|---|---|
| “Any feedback?” | “What could I do less of?” |
| Explain why you did it | Ask what impact they experienced |
| Defend what happened | Go back over what happened, then follow up |
| Move on without returning | Follow up with what changed |
Between meetings, four signs can show that feedback still feels risky.
Frequently asked questions
What feedback questions can I ask in a one-on-one?
Ask what you should do more of, less of, stop, start or continue, and how you could be a better colleague.
Why should I send the questions before the meeting?
Sending the questions a day or two ahead gives the other person time to think instead of asking them to improvise upward feedback.
What should I do while the other person responds?
Listen with curiosity, an intent to understand and appreciation. Resist explaining or defending your intent.
How should I follow up after receiving feedback?
Use what is useful, act on it and tell the person what you did.
About Catie
Catie Campbell is an executive coach, emotional intelligence expert, speaker and truth-teller.
Next step: Get the No-Manual Meeting Kit and use its open-door conversation before your next one-on-one.